Mixed Emotions

Here we are, our first official photo together.  The look on my face here I think says it all.  It sounds ridiculous now but looking back at this photo I look completely devastated.  I remember them bringing him to my face after they pulled him out of my tummy and I just started to sob.  It was joy and devastation.  Joy that he was here, devastation that he had a birth defect, not just a birth defect but one that we had no idea about until the day he came into this world.  All I could think about was him not being able to eat, or nurse.  Would he have developmental delays? Would he be ok? My Dr had no idea either obviously but she was so reassuring as she sewed me back together.  She explained her nephew was born with a cleft and club foot, they too had no idea.  She said he was 5 now and was completely fine, totally normal.  Oh how I wished I didn 't have to go through this today!! Yesterday was fine, I was 39 weeks pregnant, I had two perfect little girls at home and we had worries but never a worry like an unhealthy baby.  I wanted this picture taken just like this.  My sister in law took it and I wanted his mouth covered up so all of the world couldn't see my baby had a cleft.  Facebook is funny that way, most people only post the good, I let a few people see, my close friends, my precious family, but my mothers instinct was to protect him, to shield him from all of the people in the world that would gawk at him and make him the center of their dinner discussion.  I could just hear them, HAVE YOU SEEN Bart and Sheena's baby? I couldn't bear it so I hid it and we did a pretty darn good job too I think. That few days we were in the hospital we gained so much knowledge on a cleft, we had people poor love and prayer on us that covered us and comforted us.  People prayed with us, my coworkers surrounded me with SO much love and support and I will forever be grateful.  FOREVER.